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Cheap War Game / Shockumentary [VHS] Review

This film is NOT a fiction but a documentary extrapolation of what might happen in a nuclear war, and it is FAR from a worst-case scenario. It is sober, well-researched, almost dry, yet terrifying. It is powerful and hard to watch, but watch it anyway and arm yourself with knowledge. Only if enough people realize the danger we’re in is there much hope of doing something about it. Bush Sr. and Clinton did NOT take the steps they could have to rid the world of these weapons when the Cold War ended, and despite the vastly diminished attention paid to the issue, they’re now in more hands than ever.

There’s a reason why the BBC didn’t want people to see this. Unfortunately, not only the weapons themselves but the unwillingness to know the true magnitude of horror the world faces should they ever be used is still alive and well, even among some reviewers on this page. It’s partly moral cowardice and partly subservience to the geniuses who brought the world these weapons in the first place and keep it on the brink of destruction, even to this day. Dylan’s “Masters of War” comes to mind.

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Cheap The Gorgon [VHS] Review

[Get the DVD Hammer Films edition Icons of Horror: Hammer Films (2-disc) (The Curse of the Mummy's Tomb / The Two Faces of Dr. Jekyll / Scream of Fear / The Gorgon)]

The Gorgon – Rock Solid Performance!

Directed by Terence Fisher, the same guy who directed Brides of Dracula and Curse of the Werewolf, presents Gorgon.

Interesting, if a bit convoluted plot. The scene opens with words of caution regarding the nameless horror from ancient times, etc. ,etc., similar to the earlier films mentioned.

Then we appear at an artist’s house who sketches a half-nude brunette. So far so salacious. The artist turns out to be Bruno, the son of a famous professor of those parts. The girl turns out to nag him about marrying her but she’s ashamed. Bruno asks why and she admits to pregnancy.

He runs from the house through the woods (which have been found six stoned bodies (no, not drugs, actual stone statues, over the last five years) to see her father to tell him (chivalry is not dead, eh?). She runs after him.

Wait, full moon, on cue. Girl, through woods, alone. Boyfriend dead. Girl screams!!

We cut to a sanitarium, run by Professor Namaroff, expertly played by Peter Cushing, assisted by his sexy redheaded nurse/secretary.

As the story continues, they find the girl, roll her into the lab and find she’s a stone statue. Scream.

We meet the son of Bruno, who comes to the inquest to learn that they have branded his son a murderer and suicide (he was found dangling from a tree, quite bloodied).

The story moves from there: the professor confronting Peter Cushing’s character to find out more information, being stopped at every turn in his investigation, even the police won’t help him as the townsfolk attempt to beat him up and burn his house. The police want to escort him out.

Lots of twists and turns. He writes telegrams and eventually we get to meet his other son and a third professor “from Leipzig University” in the form of Christopher Lee, a gray-haired, large mustached man.

Interesting, provocative scenes of the woods, the strange music, the meeting with the Gorgon who at a glance can turn one to stone. The walk through the woods leads to a marble courtyard, made eerie by the soft blowing wind, the leaves swirling about, the darkness and the clouds over the constantly full moon. Always seems full for some reason.

Our professor gets an eyeful of the Gorgon in the castle, runs screaming. Oh boy. …. As he begins his gray slide to mineral life, he writes a letter to his son as one of his last acts. The acting here is pretty good — though I expected a bit more regret or sorrow that this was to be his last act.

Peter Cushing’s character continues to cover up the fact that the professor died from turning to stone just like he did about the girl. He lies about their affliction for as yet no apparent reason. The professor’s son comes and confronts him but it’s all the same.

Stone silence. (Sorry, couldn’t resist.)

As expected, the son (Paul Heitz) also has a run-in with the Gorgon sister and ends up on bed almost a week. Meantime, the assistant, Carla Hoffman, makes friendly with Paul but is actually spying for Peter Cushing’s character ,whom she loves.

A bit convoluted, eh? When does Christopher Lee arrive?

Paul leaves the institution but clearly Peter Cushing’s character is covering up something. And we discover something about Carla — she’s afraid, she seems to love both guys and she has some secret that prevents her from leaving. Oh brother.

Overall, great move, great cast. The film plods along in certain places and seems to love to show itself off rather than move the plot along. It’s very pretty film, but moves a bit slow for my taste.

Kudos to Lee for the fierce English professorial performance and to Cushing who, unusually, plays an intelligent but frightened man who is covering up something evil.

Recommended.

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Cheap Big Daddy (1999) [VHS] Review

Sonny Koufax is 32 years old. He’s a law school graduate. He’s got a nice apartment in Manhattan. There’s just one problem. He does nothing, except sit on his butt and live off an investment that was the result of a meager lawsuit he won a year ago. But after his fed up girlfriend leaves him, he comes up with the ingenious idea to adopt a five year old boy to showcase his newfound maturity. But things don’t go as planned, and Sonny finds himself the unlikely foster father that will change his perspective on just looking out for himself. This is a great movie and it will make you laugh. I would recommend this to anyone who like to laugh.

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Cheap 1776 [VHS] Review

William Daniels (the voice of the talking car on “Night Rider”) stars as John Adams in this rousing musical recreation of the weeks leading up to the signing of the Declaration of Independence. Adams is considered obnoxious and unlikable by all the other delegates of the Continental Congress, so his plea for independence falls on deaf ears. He finally wins most of the southern states to his side but the issue of slavery may still end his hopes for a free America.

This movie is educational, inspiring, poignant, and often very funny. Adams is a stubborn, pompous idealist who only lets his guard down in his love letters to his beloved wife; their song duets are sweet and touching. Ben Franklin (Henry Da Silva) is a wise and witty old scoundrel. Rutledge from South Carolina (John Cullum, who played Holling on “Northern Exposure”) is the villain of the piece and sings the show’s most dramatic song, “Molasses to Rum to Slaves.”

The delegates were quite human and had to make many compromises before they ‘pledged their sacred honor’ and signed the Declaration. Their bargaining makes for a long but very entertaining movie.

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Cheap Little Big Man [VHS] Review

I saw this film again after a hiatus of 25 years recently, and it held up very well. No doubt the fans of the Berger book hated it, but as a movie it comes off very well. It stands as one of the great absurdist movies in the contrasts it draws between the white man and the Indians. And the Indians aren’t all good–the Paiutes are portrayed as bad Indians–as bad as the whites. But the strength of the movie is in its hilarious and often tragic comparisons between the two cultures, and we see the absurdity and complexity of the white man’s ways thrown into relief by comparison with the simplicity of the Indian ways. The dialog is sometimes totally demented and resembles nothing so much as the European theater of the absurd transplanted to the American west. In one of the greatest ironic/satirical movie roles of all time, Chief Dan George delivers many of these lines, such as when he comments on one of his wives (I think I have it more or less correct, but cut me some slack): “Snake woman cooks dog well, and has very soft skin. But the problem with snake women is that they copulate with horses. She denies it, of course, but she is lying. This is why I call her, “woman who does not like horses”.” LOL. Some day I’m going to have to read the book just to see if it was toned down for the movie.

The all-star cast all turn in great performances and Hoffman turns in possibly the best performance of his career, and certainly the most wide ranging one in going from a teenager to a 120-year old man during the course of the movie. The other stars were also great and there’s not a false note among them. Martin Balsam doesn’t always get as much credit as he should having spent his entire career in character-actor roles, but here he is superb as the eternally optimistic snake oil salesman who is continually losing body parts, eventually becoming peg-legged, one-handed, and one-eyed. Faye Dunaway plays a seductive and naughty preacher’s wife and she’s the perfect choice for this role. Also notable were Jeff Corey as Wild Bill Hickok and Richard Mulligan as the ambitious but narcissistic General Custer. By the way, just a little trivia here, Custer graduated at the bottom of his West Point class, but still made general at a very young age. One thing you could say about the Old West was that there were certainly opportunities for quick advancement that don’t exist today.

Overall a great movie that has stood the test of time.

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Cheap The Beautician and the Beast Review

This movie is a family favorite. We’ve watched it so much on VHS that we had to get a DVD. PG rated, it’s a comedy about a ruler from a land of tyrants and a hairdresser from Queens, New York. Fran Drescher is hilarious and though Timothy Dalton starts out a little gruff, he ends of becoming sweet and adorable. A wonderful movie that leaves you with that feel good feeling.

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Cheap Porky’s [VHS] Review

For me PORKY’S fits into a “1980s memories” theme, subset “films I didn’t get to see when new because of my overprotective parents”. Well, and I didn’t have a license yet and lived 10 miles from the nearest theater. Ehh. I wasn’t that into comedies then anyway, and never have been – haven’t caught it in the following years either, until just now. The only reason I probably wanted to see this 1982 Bob Clark film at the time was for the nudity. And y’know, that’s not a bad reason, because there’s a bit of it, including some bush – not all that common at the time, certainly not now. Hey, I’m trying to think like my 16-year-old self, ok?

Anyway what I remember about PORKY’S from the time is that it got awful reviews, but made a heckuva lot of money. All the kids in my school seemed to be talking about it, and I felt left out for a while. It was far from the first raunchy-teen-sex comedy of course, in fact it wasn’t even the first mainstream one (I guess perhaps that was ANIMAL HOUSE?), but it certainly helped popularize the genre and descendants like SUPERBAD remain popular today. Based somewhat on writer-director Bob Clark’s recollections of growing up in Florida in the mid-1950s, PORKY’S for those who don’t know is the name of a roadhouse and strip club/whorehouse a few miles from the high school that our cast of miscreants attends. Pretty much all the stereotypes are in place – the dorkish virgin Pee Wee (Dan Monaghan), jock Meat (Tony Ganios), bad boy Tommy (Wyatt Knight), etc. There are issues of bigotry – one of the guys who slowly becomes part of the crowd is Jewish, and another guy is a bigot; issues of family – the bigot’s dad is the REAL bigot and a complete scumbag who bullies his son; and issues of inadequacy and peer pressure (Pee Wee worrying about the size of his manhood and getting laid). All of them are dealt with in a fairly juvenile and smarmy way, but not as obnoxiously as I expected, and the film overall has a rather good-hearted feeling to it, with the characters eventually putting aside their differences to get back at Porky, the owner of the eponymous roadhouse who gypped them all out of some money and pride.

There’s no question that Porky’s is a rude and crude film, from start to finish, but it’s important perhaps to note that a couple of rudest and crudest characters are girls – Wendy (Kaki Hunter) and Honeywell (Kim Cattrall, the only cast member who became a real star) who can more or less hold their own with the guys. Sure overall it’s a sexist and primative film, but it mirrors the kids and never either condones – or rejects – their behavior. And the ending when the guys get their revenge feels like pure fantasy, so I’m not sure exactly why critics at the time so excoriated the thing – it’s a male fantasy film of course where women are mostly treated as sex objects, but it’s also one in which it’s clear that the women have a certain amount of power – and in which brains end up beating brawn any day, as the picked-on Jewish kid Schwartz ends up more or less the hero of the day. The only really serious issue I had was in the Jerry Lewis-like Pee Wee, who is just so good-natured about being continuously picked on that he started to feel cartoonish. The dialogue strikes me as pretty spot-on, the location work (it was mostly shot in the Miami area) is nice, the cars are awesome, and for me at least it’s nice to see a portrait of the 50s where the people are every bit as crude and low as they are today. People weren’t all church-going saints in the Eisenhower era, however much that stereotype still exists.

A pleasant surprise for me overall. No great shakes, but certainly no worse than a lot of the films that have imitated it over the years. This DVD is totally bare-bones though the transfer is decent enough. I guess if you’re a big fan you’d want to get the set with the two sequels, which I haven’t yet seen myself. It’s fascinating to consider the career of Bob Clark, best known for this film, A CHRISTMAS STORY, the Sherlock Holmes film MURDER BY DECREE, and the proto-slasher flick BLACK CHRISTMAS. What a varied filmography the guy had.

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Cheap Life After Trauma: What Every Person Should Know (Posttraumatic Stress Disorder) Review

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Cheap Nightmare on Elm Street [VHS] Review

For all my reviews visit my website [...]

I am NOT reviewing the DVD. Just the movies unless otherwise stated.

Please note that the rating above might not accurately reflect my thoughts, you will see a rating sentence at the end of the review.

Please refer to the Alien Resurrection and Leprechaun reviews. I cannot explain it. This movie is pure awesome, that’s all I can say. Watch it if you can stand horror. Cause it’s a masterpiece not explainable. A ride you must take to find out.

UPDATE: I would like to put on some key areas.

Most of the movie is pure slasher flick, you watch any other slasher you’ll figure the style out. A few differences are first, the music is very 80’s-ghost busters style. The series has gotten better with progression, and so has Robert England. However the main basis of the unique style of A Nightmare on Elm Street series is still in tact. One liners, dream sequences, and scarier than the rest of the crew of the 80’s.

I still can’t say much after that, but there is a ton more. It is pure awesome.

I rate it 5.5/5.

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Cheap Good Morning Vietnam [VHS] Review

Beware the Spoilers.

“Good Morning, Vietnam” is a wonderful movie. From start to finish, you never doubt that it is set in 1965 Saigon, with the Vietnam War not yet at the pitch it reached with the 1968 Tet Offensive, but definitely heading in that direction. The unconventional, hopelessly unmilitary Airman Adrian Cronauer, fresh out of Crete “With women that look like Zorba”, gets off an airliner and is greeted by the seemingly perpetually-happy PFC Eddie Garlick, who never stops calling Cronaeur “Sir” even though the Air Force radio DJ has no rank whatsoever. Assigned to AFRS- Armed Forces Radio Saigon- Cronauer rides in a M151 MUTT through Saigon’s crowded streets. The ride is entertaining even before it begins: PFC Garlick forgets the MUTT is already running and tries to start it, causing it to emit a noise everyone, car fan or not, will surely dread. Airman Cronauer meets one of his soon-to-be-coworkers at AFRS over the radio before he meets him in person. Dan “The Man” Levitan, a friendly but appallingly bland radio jockey, rambles on as Garlick drives. A dismayed Cronauer remarks, “That guy’s as boring as whale ****.” It is an act of true kindness on Cronauer’s part that he never tells Levitan this in person. We soon meet the rest of the AFRS staff, some of whom are enthusiastic, others indifferent, and still others hostile to Airman Cronauer’s arrival. Chief among the last bunch is Sergeant Major “Where is this man’s paperwork?” Dickerson, who was allegedly shot in the *** while on a combat patrol. Dickerson hates Cronauer with increasing passion and outright glee as the film goes on, despising his politics and finding nothing funny about anything he says. The station censors, two unnnamed twin sergeants played by Don R. and Don E. Stanton, are the indifferent crowd. All each of them says in greeting to Cronauer is a nod, a blank look, and eventually, “Hiya.” I found one of Cronauer’s remarks about their jobs quite funny- “Oh, yes! Censor, censor, censor! Join the Army and mark things!” Soon, we find Cronauer going on air for the first time. There is a moment of uncertain silence. We in the audience are uncertain, the listeners, the staff, even Cronauer himself seem unsure of what will happen next. Then he cuts loose with a joyous cry of “Gooooooood morning, Vietnam!” and nothing is ever the same again.

Airman Cronauer is hated by the bureaucrats and loved by the soldiers for the same reason- his manner is totally unconventional, entirely unpredictable, and he starts a wonderful tradition of busting the bureaucracy’s rules by tossing the bland music selections aside and blasting across the airwaves with modern rock and roll. The first song he hits us with is the magnificent “Nowhere To Run” by Martha Reeves & The Vandellas. Yes! Going off the air, Cronauer spots one of the pretty Vietnamese girls he saw on his ride to the station earlier. He buys a bike with metal wheels and chases her across Saigon, leaving the hapless and distressed PFC Garlick to attempt to keep up. Seeing her go into an English class, Cronauer wonders what he can do to meet her. Garlick insists there is nothing that will work, that the cultural differences between Americans and Vietnamese are simply too much. But being the happy-go-lucky soul he is, Cronauer goes for it anyway. But what does he do? He walks into the class and buys it from the Army sergeant already teaching. His equally unconventional and hilarious way of teaching the class provides some of the greatest scenes in the movie. His first conversation with the class is this- “First thing I’d like to know is, what subject this is.” A kindly middle-aged Vietnamese woman puts her hand up. “Is it English?” “Yes it is, thank you so much for playing!” It is after the class that we are introduced to Trinh and her brother, Tuan. The relationship he attempts to create with Trinh, and the friendship he does create with Tuan, are immensely influential in deciding the outcome of his tour in Saigon.
This movie is hilarious- just about knocked me dead when I first saw it. But there is far more depth to it than if it were simply a comedy. It has very sad and thought-provoking moments as well as happy ones, and does not shy away from the senseless horrors of war. More and more, it appears that Vietnam is a world gone mad, and that the insane folks are the ones who make the rules.

The degree to which SGM Dickerson loathes Airman Cronauer becomes apparent later on, when he has Cronauer kicked off the air after he violates regulations and reports on a bombing at Jimmy Wah’s bar. Cronauer yells that Dickerson just wants everyone to think everything is fine in Vietnam when the opposite is true, and that the war is a couple of blocks away at most. Dickerson bellows that it is none of his blankety-blank business and replaces him with the horribly bland LT Steven Hauk. Cronauer is soon back on the air, to the tune of thousands of letters and calls from furious and bewildered GI’s, who cannot stand to hear Hauk’s awful comedy routine and the polka music he insists on choosing over rock and roll. The scene in which Hauk is fired as a radio DJ is one of the most significant in the movie, and has a surprisingly touching line from Hauk. Deeply hurt by Brigadier General Taylor’s declaration that Cronauer is better at comedy than he is and *will* be reinstated, LT Hauk salutes and says, “Sir, in my heart I know I’m funny.” Dickerson, still carrying on his vendetta against Cronauer, vows “This is not over yet.” as he leaves. Dickerson sends Cronauer and Garlick into an area he knows is VC-controlled, hoping to get them killed, and only the intervention of Tuan prevents this. But even then it’s not over- upon his return to AFRS studios, Cronauer meets with a gloating, triumphant SGM Dickerson, who gleefully informs Cronauer that he is gone. The reason? Tuan is not who he claims. He is a VC terrorist, responsible for many bombings in Saigon, including Jimmy Wah’s. He was able to rescue Cronauer and Garlick because the guys hunting them were his friends. Dickerson has Cronauer beaten at last, but even then the Airman has the last laugh- he delivers one of the funniest lines I’ve ever heard in farewell to the good Sergeant Major, and as Dickerson pursues he is stopped by General Taylor. Why? Taylor, who has always loved Cronauer and is deeply sorry to see him leave, though mercifully with an honorable discharge, has at last had enough of Dickerson’s unrelenting seriousness and hostility, and informs him that he, too is gone- SGM Dickerson, who had once boasted of his talent at sending people he hates to places they never even knew the Army had personnel in, is going to Guam.

Cronauer’s confrontation with ‘Tuan’, his final softball game with his English class, and the goodbye he and Trinh give one another are beautiful. He leaves PFC Garlick, who has taken over his post as radio DJ, with one last broadcast, and tells him to take care of himself. Garlick readily acknowledges that playing the broadcast could get him in trouble. Having learned from Cronauer and become increasingly bold and outgoing through the course of the film, he says that Trouble is now his new middle name.

“Good Morning, Vietnam” is everything it promises and so much more- it makes you laugh, makes you cry, makes you think about many things, and in the end, if you appreciate the movie as I did, you will walk away loving it. This is as good a film on the Vietnam War as any, and one I highly recommend.

“’scuse me, sir. Seeing how the former VP is such a VIP, shouldn’t we keep the PC on the QT, ’cause if it leaks to the VC, he could end up an MIA and then we’d all be put on KP.” Genius.

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